Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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