she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
