two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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