Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
