I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
