I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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