She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
