Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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