I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
