im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
