He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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