New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
