Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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