i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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