I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
