literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
