I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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