I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
