I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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