Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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