WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
