seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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