I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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