You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I need to stop coming to work sober
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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