I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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