that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
