Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
