You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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