My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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