I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
