Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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