dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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