All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
