i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i think my cat just said my name.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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