I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
