dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
