Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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