I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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