My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
