Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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