Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
