false alarm. still invincible.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
