Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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