i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
These tits shall not be calmed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
