We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
