it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize