She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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