Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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