Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
