the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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