i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
