I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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