just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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