Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize