Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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