Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
