Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
