im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
