I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
