I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
