took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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