There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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