I feel like abortions should bother me more
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
