Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
